state of the state address... this will be long...

[exairian]

i've debated this post for days now... bordering on weeks really. i've held back in things i've wanted to say on lj for the sake of others. and by others i do mean plural. if i had to use only adjectives to describe the last month the list would look something like this:

surprising, surreal, unbelievable, inconceivable, strange, painful, trying, traumatizing, emotional, sad, humbling, exhausting....

so i will start at the very very very beginning of things.... if you think you really want to know all this, then click on.



the rumors, if they can be called that at this point, are true. i am seeing someone else. someone that many on my friends list know. and in, in some sense, it did indeed start before mj and i where done... it was not my intention, it was a complete and utter shock to everyone, including myself.

i guess, if i had to pinpoint a beginning i would choose the essen haus, just after thanksgiving. there was a large group that went and it started out all very normal. much beer was consumed, much fun was had. at some point it ended up being just myself, drew and trevor. we where having a great time, talking and what not. it was the first time that i really got to know him. he'd been around, we have the same friends after all. but he was just one of the guys. that night he stood out as someone who i could call a friend.

after that we occasionally got together for lunch at MATC. just chatted for the 30 minutes we where allotted and then went our separate ways. that was all.

then, a month ago, i was on my own for the night. i was supposed to meet up with jkivela after his holiday party. but no one was calling and it was getting later and i was stuck at home, bored and pissy. well he had just logged into AIM. we chatted for awhile and i did what i am ever so good at. i turned the conversation to getting me attention. he offered to pick me up and we went to dinner at the great dane. my god what a dinner. i barely ate a thing i was so wrapped up in the conversations with him. we talked, laughed and bonded. after dinner we went downstairs and ran into scott. scott says something to me about mj grabbing a booth in the back... this was a very wtf moment. without meaning too, trevor and i had managed to turn this night into a date. it wasn't meant to be, it was just two friends hanging out, but the way it had progressed... well... i tried to blow it off as casual... bounded over to where they were sitting and "surprised" them. i played the good friend and ping ponged between the table and the jukebox (where trevor and scott where). james and megan left, scott left. it was just three of us. the two of them and me on the other side and suddenly i was absolutely terrified. i wasn't paying a bit of attention to my boyfriend, i couldn't keep my eyes off trevor. and i knew that we where in a load of trouble. so i did what i always do. i drank myself into stupid. and it was at one of these points, where i wandered to the bathroom that things really went awry. i was heading back to the table and i had this sudden need to stop. i did, and waited for maybe 30 seconds and there was trevor. and we looked at each other and i asked him if this whole thing was completely weird for him as it was for me.... and we kissed each other. it was both of us. we wanted it. not him, not i, no sense of individuality there... but us.

poor mj. stuck to drive home and care for the sorry human being who was his girlfriend... who had easily just betrayed him.

saturday was strange and surreal. trevor, again, hanging out with the girl he wanted to be with and her boyfriend. i tried my damnedest to play it all off as normal. we can all be friends right?

then monday night. trevor and i met for a drink at mickey's and we talked ourselves through it. we agreed that there where feelings there. but it was silly infatuation that we had to get past. he had a girlfriend whom he loved. i had a boyfriend whom i loved. we told ourselves that we where finding comfort in each other because of the troubles we were having in our relationships. we were projecting our wants and needs of the people we had onto someone else... we told ourselves all of this, and probably didn't mean a word of it.

the next week was horrible. emotionally and spiritually trying. it was the week before christmas and i know that i was causing many of the issues that would break mj and i apart. and part of it was intentional, i'm sure. i don't hardly know anymore. what i know is that trevor and i were still talking through email, making things harder on ourselves. finally, wednesday i put my foot down. we were not going to talk to each other until at least new years. if we couldn't handle being around each other then, well we just needed to get past it all.

then wednesday night was the night at my moms. and mj and i didn't speak for the rest of the night. thursday we went to jasons and sat in uncomfortable silence. and thursday night, we broke up. and i was sad. my heart was broken because i had wanted, so badly for this to work with mj. and i was confused because i knew he was going to be hurting and so was i and there was this other person that i needed to talk to but couldn't. and part of that couldn't was because it would make things even more complicated.

friday trevor and i talked. late at night, for hours.

what it comes down to, in all of this is that for those couple of weeks i was horribly confused. i was willing to push things and make them work with mj. but at the same time i needed to know what the hell was going on with trevor. i didn't want to make a choice, but i had to. and what do i do? everyone around me is screaming at me to just chill. hang out. get myself together. don't rush into anything. but i wasn't just crushing on trevor. the feelings i have towards him where a hell of a lot deeper than that. so everyone is telling me to be single and not see him, but all i can think is "if i don't explore this now...." what then? if it really, truly is fate, then yes, i should hold off and he'll still be there in time.... but why wait? we aren't moving in or getting hitched or any of that. we're simply working our way through this whole falling thing...

emotionally i was fried. burned the fuck out. i started making little notes in my head, things to ponder over when i had the time. a few things started coming to light and i realized why mj and were not going to work. we were two different people.

when mj and i had our two day breakup in november, i was devestated. i expected to talk things out, not break up. and i hurt so bad. and i begged for us to make things work. and then, days later, i realized something. i had begged like this once before. way back, just over a year after brett and i had been going out, he had tried to break up with me. i remember because we where sitting in my shitty car in the parkinglot of my crappy apartment in madison. and i was scared because everyone had ditched me. i had moved back to madison with a friend who, in the most basic way, bailed on me. i had no new friends, i had my boyfriend and cats. and he was breaking up with me and i begged him to make it work... and years later, i realized that i did it again. i forced something that was meant to end...

yes things were absolutely amazing in the beginning. i was as happy with him as i am with trevor now. but things changed, he changed and i did not. i don't think that he realized exactly who i was. i don't think it ever occurred to him that the fun, obnoxious, out there, gamer girl was never going away. that person is always there. and in the last few months i tried to curb her for him and it was making me miserable. i told myself, after brett that i would never, ever change who i was for someone else again. and i did. and i hated myself for it and i started to really resent mj for it. but i don't blame him, i blame me. at any time i could have put my foot down, but i didn't. like i always do, i bend to the will of the person i am with, just to avoid a conflict.

that's how i am, i don't like conflict and i am always willing to compromise. i was more than willing to try and pick up more, do the dishes, fold my laundry, take care of the cats. the problem was that i was expected to do all this on top of the 60+ hours a week i was working. i never once felt as though i had mj's support in almost anything i did. it was as though, if it wasn't something he would do, then i shouldn't either. doesn't matter that i'm a totally different person, it was just wrong. i couldn't do ANYTHING right.

so what was i supposed to do. when i was asking myself how i could make things work with him again, i realized the answer was simple. i couldn't. the things that i wanted to hold onto were selfish. so i let him go.

it was not my intention to move on. and it certainly wasn't my intention to fall in love before i fell out of it. but it was how things progressed on their own. i am not spiraling out of control or making poor decisions, i'm doing what i've always tried to do and just going with things.

right now trevor and i are going in the same direction, down the same road and quite possibly to the same end.
trevor and i decided to keep things low key for awhile. it would look really bad, after all, if we where completely open about how we felt towards each other just days after we killed our relationships. we tried to keep it quiet for as long as we could. but that's awfully hard to do.

i HATE the fact that mj is hurting and that it is very much my fault. i hate that i wasn't entirely honest with him in the end. part of me has always held back saying what needs to be said because i knew that he would hurt for it. it's a flaw. i've always been that way and i would hope that some day i can get around that so that when it does come out, it's not so very harmful to the one i'm with....

right now trevor and i are perfect. nothing makes me happier than being with him. we fit so well together. it's still a complete and utter shock when those moments happen where you realize that it is a perfect moment. i can play WoW all night and not feel guilty. if i want to drive around town looking for our friends and something to do, there's no complaints. my room can be a slight mess and no one cares. my cats can leave as much fur as they want on clothes and there's no complaining. and we can spend an entire sunday evening curled up on the couch and watch really really bad comedies that i used to used to love but had to give up for fear of being harassed.

i don't know where this is going. i don't even fully know what i want out of it. what i know is that right now i'm happy. and i am sad. like i said, this comes at the expense of others, which is unfair. but i truly believe that he will find this kind of happiness as well. i really hope it for him.

i know i've been blunt and somewhat harsh in this post. and feelings will likely be hurt again. and friends will probably be angry at me for not holding back. but i don't care anymore. that's the type of person that i am and always will be. if i say things people don't like, well so be it. we all do. now i will clock back into work and wait patiently for the day to end and the night to come and i wait patiently for a weekend that is shaping up to be amazing.

Comments

[myburningpixie.livejournal.com]

That's a very difficult situation to be in, but in the end things are going to be a lot better for everyone.

[jkivela.livejournal.com]

big post

Hope you feel better for it.

Always here for you.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_souvraya_/]

I have been through a lot of similiar situations. If you need someone to talk to, I am always there for you. Remember the fun I had in college with starting a new relationship too quickly after an old one "died." So I completely understand the potential problems. Please feel free to email me or whatever if you need someone.